DEAD ON ARRIVAL
CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN LAURA & GERRY
“Okay Gerry,” I said, “cut the crap! How did you get Velcro’s’ body in here?”
“What do ya mean how? You mean you think I did this, thanks a lot!” he said, somewhat pissed.
“This wasn’t your handy-work?”
“No! Why would you think I would do such a horrid thing?”
“Not sure really; maybe because you and Ray have the only keys besides me, and you love practical jokes.”
“Robert, put down the paper. Laura has news.” She was likely hoping I had finally snagged my shrink. Mom doesn’t care what kind of doctor I marry, as long as the initials preceded his name. LAURAS MOTHER.
Gerry leaned over and kissed me. “Be thankful you weren’t closer to the car than you were. Speaking of cars. Did I not tell you to stay in mine?”
“Well, yeah but…” I argued.
“But, nothing! When I tell you to stay in the car, damn it, stay in the car!!!”
“You know I never listen.”
“Perhaps it would behoove you to start.”
OVER HER DEAD BODY
“Call the meat wagon! This was Gerry speak for “something is dead.”
“What?” I said, still sleepy, “that must have been some mouse.”
“Laura, sweetie you’re a bit dim in the morning, it was more than a mouse. Just 9-1-1 and come up here”. He clicked off. GERRY FITZ
“To what?” He looked at me like I had a screw loose for considering looting her property before Ethel was even in the ground. Okay so it seemed a bit callous but I was desperate and a tad lazy.
“A toaster. That one in the corner,” I pointed to the device in question. “Ours died last week.” Gerry looked at me in mock astonishment. “This is tantamount to grave robbing ya know,” He said accusingly.
“I know,” I admitted, “I was just trying to save myself a trip to Wal-Mart. Come on. Let’s go before I succumb to further temptation.”
“My husband has all that get it from him.” Then a thought came to me. ‘Where was Gerry?’ As if to read my mind, the bitchy one with the ice pack said, “We can’t, he’s not here. “Barney Fife” in the hallway says he’s in lock up.” Then it all came back to me. Lou was dead and the cops must think we did it. “Oh crap!” was heard throughout the Emergency ward.
The police discharged us and apologized for inconveniencing us by the detention. They went on to explain that after learning Gerry had a juvie record they had jumped to conclusions.
I looked at my new husband in shock, “A juvie record? What the hell for? Why do the Americans know about this detail and not me?”
He looked at me and blushed. “I was out drinking with the guys in the field behind the 400 drive-in and someone dared me to go tip a cow on a nearby farm… I got caught and the other guys ran. I wanted to squeal but thought better of it. The record is locked but since 9/11 these guys apparently check everyone to be sure that we are not a threat to homeland security. I don’t believe in murder for one thing and they realize now that their cows are in no danger of being knocked over.”
I was still somewhat incredulous that my hubby had a record and had neglected to inform me. “Cow tipping Gerry, really?”
Gerry came out of the bathroom smelling and looking great. He reached into the closet for one of his shirts that screamed I AM A TOURIST.
I wrinkled my nose disapprovingly.
“That shirt screams I want to get robbed.”
“Laura, cookie, so do half the tourists with what they wear. Besides I spent a mint on new clothes for the trip, as per your request. I left my ratty jeans and holey t-shirts at home, so I could look good for two weeks out of my life.”
“Okay, point taken, I guess we can risk it for one night.” If there was one place on earth, you could wear a loud shirt and not look tacky it was Florida.
“Quit calling me Fife, my first name isn’t even Barney! It’s Dave, Dave Meecham.” With that he turned and stomped away from the kiosk. DAVE MEECHAM
DEAD MEN DON’T SWING
“Ya know Stella, you’re usually an astute woman but right now you are down to two brain cells and they are limping. LAURA FITZ.
“Did someone drop you from the top of an ugly tree? I’ve seen some scary looking guys but brother you take de cake!”MARY
“Can the ugly jokes Mama. I know what I look like. Medusa would have a better chance getting a date than me. It gives me an edge.” GAYLORD
DEAD COMIC STANDING
“I was comedy, years ago. Then I started my own club, hosted the best up-and-comers. I guided Carey, and Myers, on their way up. I was the Simon Cowell of the comedy world. I discovered more new talent than Cowell can shake his finger at.” JEFF BEALS
“Fuck man, if you want my wallet, just ask.” Dave was gasping for air.
“It’s not about the money, asshole. I just didn’t know how else to tell you……”
“What?” Dave croaked weakly.
The stranger grabbed the hilt of the knife, and yanked it out of his victims gut.
He looked straight at him and said,
“YOU JUST AIN’T FUNNY!” THE KILLER
I love animals; I guess I would have to, being raised with the four primates. Dinner in our house resembled feeding time at the monkey house. I know I know…it’s not nice to compare the boys to a bunch of chimps. The chimps have a bigger shot at getting a college degree than those animals. The older three attend clown school and are starting at The Shrine circus when they graduate. The one with the penis and the brain has a Masters in Psychology. SHELLEY MORGAN -COMEDY ACT